If you've been reading my blog then the one thing I hope you have gotten is that the Lord truly gives the peace that passes ALL understanding... he really does! I have experienced it many times and it was especially present in the weeks leading up to my diagnosis and surgery. But there are times when I just don't want to be the brave one. Times when I just want to kiss courage good-bye and pull the covers over my head.
That was how I felt in the wee morning hours on the day of my surgery. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up with this heavy dose of peacefulness that would carry me through the whole day. I woke up and was like... Oh yeah... today's the day I have open heart surgery. And then my body was paralyzed. Not paralyzed with anxiety and fear that makes your heart race and your body shake. But I literally couldn't or didn't move. I just lay there and wondered what would happen if I just stayed in bed and chose not to go to the hospital. If I didn't show up then they couldn't do the surgery, right?? But I needed the surgery so I not-so-bravely reminded myself that irrational thoughts wouldn't get me anywhere (although I didn't want to go anywhere at that moment:).
I decided to break the day into bite size chunks. First I prayed for the courage to get out of bed and it came. As I sat on the edge of the bed, I prayed for strength to walk to the bathroom. With each step I prayed for courage to take the pre-surgery, sanitation shower. And then getting dressed. Getting to the car. Walking into the hospital. Putting a smile on my face.... On and on, one step at a time. It all strung together into a peace-filled early morning. The Lord gave me the same strength, courage, peace and even humor that He has given all along. It was all there for me. I just had to ask. Yeah, there are times when I don't want to be the brave one but those are the times I have to remind myself that sometimes courage doesn't come all at once.